I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
