i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
