I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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