the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
