I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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