I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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