I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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