My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
