After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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