Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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