I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
