I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Pooping to opera.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
