This is not my ceiling
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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