Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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