dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
