i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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