how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
