how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
barbara walters just said penis...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
