Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
