Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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