I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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