kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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