can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
