there's paper in my vomit.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
