Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
