Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
