You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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