What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
