she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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