dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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