i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
