hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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