i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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