maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
