Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
