Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
