it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
