I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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