i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
