I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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