turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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