found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
