Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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