We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
