you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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