How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
