Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
