apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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