i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
