Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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