can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
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Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
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There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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