he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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