Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
