We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Bring me that man meat
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
