The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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