I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
